The Door is Open
(The soothing hum of choir music can be heard as the lights come up. FATHER sits at a desk C. stage. Over the next 15 seconds, the music starts to fade. Several moments before music disappears completely, there is a knock at the door.)
FATHER:
The door is open.
(EON GRUNER enters. He is a skinny youth of about 13. His clothes and hair are well kept, and he gives the overall impression that he is a very respectable young man. After a moment, FATHER looks up from his paperwork and motions for him to sit.)
What have you come to see me for, Eon?
EON:
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
FATHER: (smiling reverently)
This is not confession, Eon.
EON:
I know. But there is something I must talk with you about.
FATHER:
We all falter in life, child. Being here, now, shows a willingness on your part to come to God. What is it you wish to tell me?
EON:
I have… questions that no one will answer for me.
FATHER:
That is hardly a sin, child—
EON:
But my question are… not the kind one should ask.
FATHER: (understandingly)
It is right for you to come to me. Satan feeds on your doubts and will use them to his advantage so he may turn you against God. It is important that you feel you can come to me rather than keeping these doubts to yourself. I would hope you would feel you could ask me anything on your mind. Perhaps I could shed some light on some of the things that are confusing you.
EON:
I can ask you anything?
FATHER:
Anything. I am sure a young boy like yourself is going through a lot of changes physically and mentally. And, you have probably started noticing the opposite sex, no doubt?
EON:
Oh, my question doesn’t have anything to do with that at all. Not really.
FATHER:
Oh? Well, ask away child! I promise to keep it in confidentiality. I swear by my virtue as a man of the parish.
EON:
(quickly checks surroundings, then scoots toward FATHER)
I have questions about why God did certain things in the Bible. Some of them just don’t make any sense.
FATHER:
Oh? Like what, exactly?
EON:
Well, how about Adam and Eve. I don’t understand that one at all.
FATHER:
What don’t you understand?
EON:
Well, you know those pictures of Adam on the wall in the hallway? The painting of the sixth day of creation?
FATHER:
Yes.
EON:
He was naked.
FATHER:
Yes. If you would read further, you would realize that it was not until they ate of the fruit of knowledge that “they realized their nakedness, and they were ashamed.”
EON:
I understand that. What gets me is that… well, he had a—penis.
FATHER:
Why, child, it is standard that a male have a… er…
EON:
I understand that just fine. But Adam was created before Eve.
FATHER:
Yes. The Bible tells us that.
EON:
Well then… why…?
FATHER:
Why what?
EON:
Why did he have one?
FATHER:
Have what?
EON:
A penis!
FATHER:
My God child! Isn’t it obvious?
EON:
No. What the hell was his penis for?
FATHER:
Child!
EON:
Sorry. (pause) I meant, what in the world was his penis for.
FATHER:
Well… it’s for… going to the bathroom.
EON:
I know that!
FATHER:
Then what the hell did you ask me for!
EON:
Father!
FATHER:
I mean… I don’t understand what you’re trying to ask me.
EON:
I just want to know what his penis was for.
FATHER:
I told you.
EON:
Look. I know what a penis is for. I just don’t know what his penis was for.
FATHER:
It was probably used for the same things ours are used for. Honestly!
EON:
Like…?
FATHER:
Like… going to the bathroom.
EON:
That’s all we use ours for?
FATHER:
Well, it’s all I’m allowed to use mine for, and it damn well better by all you’re using yours for.
EON:
But what I’m getting at is that—if we wanted to—we could also use it for sex.
FATHER:
Oho! No we could not!
EON:
Yes I could. If I was with a girl, and I was naked, my penis would go up like this…
(using finger for demonstration)
…and if I wanted to, I could stick it…
FATHER:
Child!
EON:
I could!
FATHER:
All right. You could—if you didn’t mind going to hell on a bobsled…
EON:
Which is what confuses me.
FATHER:
I really don’t feel up to this…
EON:
First there was Adam. God didn’t get the idea for Eve until later. He saw that Adam was alone, so he made Eve. So when he first created Adam, I see no reason to give him a penis.
FATHER:
(considers for a moment, finally starting to see his point, then, insistently.)
To go to the bathroom.
EON:
But if that’s all it was going to be used for, it was a rather poor design, don’t you think? At that point, Adam was perfectly content being alone. Poof! He was there, he was happy. He hadn’t the chance to get bored with himself yet, so why didn’t God give him a hole or something. Far more logical than a penis. The whole idea of this tube hanging down just makes no sense at all.
FATHER: (struggling)
He made it that way so that Adam could aim better.
EON:
Oh! That makes sense. Why didn’t I think of that?
(FATHER sighs as EON’s face turns serious again.)
But I wonder what God gave him testicles for?
(FATHER slumps)
There certainly couldn’t have been any reason for creating those.
FATHER:
Maybe he didn’t have one. God might have created his… penis… along with Eve.
EON:
But the Bible says he was a man, right?
FATHER:
Well…
EON:
You taught us that the name Adam, in Hebrew, means man…
FATHER:
Yes. So he was. But that does not necessarily imply…
EON:
Isn’t it standard for a man to have a penis?
FATHER:
Well… God created Adam in his image, didn’t he? So…
EON:
You mean God has a penis? Why would God have a penis?
FATHER:
I didn’t say that.
EON:
If God created Adam in his image…
FATHER:
If he created Adam in his image, he didn’t have one at all, and that was man. Then he created man with a womb, and that was wom-man. So then he created Adam’s… penis… and he was…
EON:
Called penisman?
FATHER:
I didn’t say that.
EON:
You said the first person with a womb was a woman, so a man with a…
FATHER:
I know what I said, but you’re just interpreting everything I say so damn… literally.
EON:
We’re supposed to. You said the Bible is the literal word of God…
FATHER:
See! There you go again!
EON:
I’m so confused. You didn’t answer my question at all. I’m only more messed up than I was before. Jesus! Why does God have to be so damn… mysterious?
FATHER:
I don’t know… maybe God did it because he knew he’d create Eve later on. Maybe it was a joke. I don’t know. Just—leave. Why don’t you ask Father Knoll? I’m sure he knows… I’m sorry I couldn’t answer any of your questions… I’m sure he’ll do a much better job than I. Just leave me… please. I’m very tired.
EON:
(starts to walk off stage, nodding)
Maybe you’re right. If God knows everything that is going to happen, he would have known he’d have to create Eve later on, so, maybe he just created Adam’s penis to save him some time! I never thought of that.
(FATHER pushes Eon off stage, but EON stops just before he disappears.)
One last thing… do you think Adam ever had an erection, or was that invented along with Eve?
FATHER: (firmly)
Good-bye.
(EON nods and walks away. LIGHTS DOWN.)